How to get over feeling like you don't belong

Photo by Tim Mossholder on Unsplash

Feeling like you don't belong can be linked to adverse events in childhood. If you felt forced to suppress your own needs to win the love and acceptance of your caregivers, you never felt celebrated for your authentic self.

You had to play a role to maintain membership in your family, and now you believe that requirement extends to all groups. So, you wear a mask that displays a false self, while your true self stays hidden even from yourself.

If you grew up in a dysfunctional home, no one taught you the importance of setting limits, standing up for yourself, or having your needs met. In fact, many families teach the opposite.

You learned to suppress your emotions, pretend to be okay, and never ask for help which makes it difficult to cultivate authentic relationships. You believe you have to earn love and acceptance and the only way to do so is to abandon yourself.

That leaves you feeling like you don't belong because no one knows the real you. It leads to a sense of chronic emptiness because your needs are never met in one-sided relationships.

You may feel unable to enter into the intimacy required to form authentic friendships. You are too busy people pleasing and over giving to establish your own needs and wants in the relationship.

For you, relationships lack the give and take of healthy connections. Since you believe emotions push people away or make them leave, you hide your feelings to preserve the union.

Without any idea how to get your needs met honestly, you continue to experience the frustration your parents caused with their neglect. You end up feeling like you don't belong because you gravitate toward people who remind you of “home”.

Steps to stop feeling like you don't belong

Practice setting boundaries with others rather than avoiding them. That can simply mean expressing yourself instead of pretending you agree to avoid conflict.

Remain conscious of your needs, especially physical ones, throughout every interaction. Do you need to take a deep breath or give yourself a loving touch to stay connected?

You are so used to externalizing your focus to others that turning your gaze within will feel like a shift. Practice tuning into yourself first as you connect with the person in front of you.

Pay attention to the pace of your speech and take the time you need to speak your piece. You might rush through because as a child adults placed little value on what you had to say, but that’s no longer the case.

You deserve to feel seen and heard as much as anyone else. It is your right to take up space and make your thoughts and feelings known so that others can get to know the real you.

Wearing a mask will only prevent the connection you crave. Developing an authentic relationship with yourself is the first step to overcoming feeling like you don't belong.