How to stop feeling unworthy of getting what you want

feeling unworthy
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Before I started my healing journey, a voice inside my head would whisper, “that’s not for you,” anytime I thought about something I wanted. Feeling unworthy came as naturally to me as breathing.

Whether buying only sale items, or spending time with people who neither inspired nor respected me, I betrayed myself by settling for less than what my heart desired.

This self-saboteur was a remnant from my childhood of unmet needs. I had been parentified into believing the needs of the adults around me took precedence over my own. And so abandoned myself accordingly.

Unmet needs in childhood lead to feeling unworthy of getting what we want as an adult. How? Because we get imprinted with the belief that we don’t matter and don’t deserve to feel fulfilled.

Unmet needs in childhood lead to feeling unworthy of getting what we want as an adult. Click To Tweet

Usually, these limiting beliefs remain unconscious (although that voice in my head sounded audible). Since our subconscious minds dictate the bulk of our results and outcomes, these beliefs keep us stuck.

How do we get out from under these false beliefs of feeling unworthy? How do we change our mindset and begin to believe we deserve to get what we want out of life?

3 ways to stop feeling unworthy

feeling unworthy

1. Ask

The Bible verse: “you do not have because you do not ask” and the law of attraction both dictate that you get not what you deserve but what you believe you deserve. And have the courage to ask for.

Think of the things you want but don’t yet have. Have you been bold enough to ask for them? Have you spoken your desire out loud to those who could help you achieve or receive it?

Sometimes we’re afraid to ask for what we want because it seems too big. Or we want to protect ourselves from the disappointment of not getting it. But that only ensures more of the same deprivation.

One common example of this among people with unmet childhood needs is to say they want a meaningful relationship instead of marriage. If you want a husband and not a live-in partner, say so.

2. Improve self-image

Positive mantras only work for those who already hold a positive self-image. So, if you’ve wondered why repeating them hasn’t had a lasting impact on you, that’s why.

Positive mantras only work for those who already hold a positive self-image. Click To Tweet

If you look at other people with less intelligence, creativity, and resources, and wonder why they’re so successful, it’s likely self-image at play. They believe they deserve good things as a result of their positive self-image. You believe the opposite because of your negative one.

In my experience, improving self-image starts with self-kindness. That means treating yourself at least as well as you treat others, especially when you’re not perfect. It means practicing self-forgiveness, and refusing to dwell on your mistakes.

It means setting boundaries around your time and energy. Eliminating frenemies whose thoughts toward you contribute to your inability to get what you want.

It means investing in yourself with coaching or counselling and material things your heart desires. Because you are worth it.

3. Adjust your expectations.

If you’ve grown up with unmet needs, there’s often a disconnect between your true desires and what you expect to receive. Adjust your expectations UP instead.

Expect something better than you’ve got in the past by overriding automatic thoughts with your conscious mind. The self-help classic Psycho-Cybernetics suggests spending 30 minutes per day envisioning your ideal life to aid the process.

When you shift your expectations, your actions work to create new results that end up transforming your life. Enter the success and fulfillment that have long eluded you. They’re not only for other people to enjoy, after all.

How to stop hiding your core gifts

core gifts
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I recently read a book called Deeper Dating. In it, the author says the things we hide are our greatest and core gifts.

If you’re a sensitive person, for example, you may have tried to develop a thick skin. But what if your sensitivity is your gift to the world?

Often, when we grew up without praise or encouragement from parents, we have a hard time accepting ourselves. If others failed to understand or support our core gifts, we suppress them to fit in.

But hiding core gifts in an effort to find acceptance is self-abandonment. And, besides, it never works. You come across as inauthentic and untrustworthy and you never become the person you’re meant to be in the world.

When you hide your core gifts, you attract people who will never make you feel supported because they don’t know the real you. Instead of seeking acceptance from others, the key is to accept yourself.

When you hide your core gifts, you attract people who will never make you feel supported because they don't know the real you. Click To Tweet

So, how can you begin to express your core gifts when you’ve been hiding them all along? How do you start to accept yourself when you’ve been self-abandoning for years? Here are 4 ways.

1. State your opinions.

When you disagree with someone, say so. When you stay silent or lend tacit agreement because you fear conflict, that’s self-abandonment.

You’re putting someone else’s need to be right ahead of your own need to be seen and heard. This ensures you’ll keep attracting people who don’t know the real you and you’ll continue to feel invisible.

2. Express your emotions.

core gifts

If you grew up with emotional neglect like I did, you may not trust your emotions. Maybe your complex PTSD has made you dysregulated around feelings.

The first step is to actually feel these feelings instead of denying them or distracting yourself from them. Really sink into them at first by journaling and/or sitting alone with them.

Once you’ve become more comfortable with your feelings, begin to express them to others. This will help you accept others’ emotions as well. Emotional honesty is an important part of relational intimacy and shows the real you.

3. Do what you want to develop core gifts.

Do you spend a lot of time fulfilling obligations that bring you no joy? Stop that. Make sure you’re doing more of what you love than what you hate.

Of course, responsibility is part of life but resist the habit of becoming over responsible. Putting others’ needs ahead of your own is a common outcome of unmet childhood needs.

Putting others' needs ahead of your own is a common outcome of unmet childhood needs. Click To Tweet

Parent yourself by taking care of your own needs first. Make a habit of asking yourself throughout the day what you need and giving it to yourself.

4. Invest in yourself to uncover core gifts.

You may resist spending money on yourself unless it provides a return on investment. But you are worth investing in and your mental health is the best ROI.

Depending on your resources, you may consider coaching, therapy, a retreat, or some other form of self care. If you spend money on others easily but have trouble doing the same for yourself, reconsider.

When overcoming a lifetime of self-abandonment, you may need help to uncover your core gifts. Invest time in self-knowledge through books or by spending more time on your own. Be patient with yourself as a lifetime of hiding takes time to transform.

INFJ: the most rare personality type

INFJ
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INFJ, one of the 16 Meyers-Briggs personality types, makes up only about 1.5% of the population. Perhaps as a result of our small numbers, we often feel misunderstood.

I’ve noticed as a writer that INFJs appear in larger numbers in my field. That’s because our traits include creativity and a desire to derive meaning out of life.

INFJ is the Advocate

Known as the Advocate, INFJ delights in serving others’ needs. They are in tune with other peoples’ emotions, but often less good at discerning their own feelings.

INFJ enjoys deep friendships and abhors surface relationships. They need meaning in every area of their lives, including their contact list.

This translates into few intense friendships rather than a large circle. And these chosen few are the only ones with whom they share their rich and complex inner life.

Intuitive with strong values

INFJ relies on intuition to help make decisions. She has strong values and a deep need to make the world a better place.

For this reason, she thrives doing work that supports those aims. And withers and wilts when her career misaligns with her true goals.

INFJ is introverted

INFJ

Like all introverts, this type needs time alone to refresh and recharge. They value privacy and do not crave attention or the spotlight.

These people are excellent listeners and love to help others solve their own problems. They live to see others rise to fulfill their highest potential.

Concepts and ideas over details

They are not interested in facts and details but want to explore broader concepts and ideas. This explains why my head hurts when business experts start talking “tactics” and “strategy”.

If you’re an INFJ, you pursue lifelong learning and are always seeking self-improvement. You want a purpose-driven life and find new ways to become the best version of yourself.

You’re interested in metaphysical and esoteric topics more than concrete or mundane subjects. While others are poring over the antics of others, you’re contemplating life’s existential concepts.

If these personality traits resonate with you, you might be an INFJ. To find out your personality type, take the free test here.

How to celebrate International Day of Beauty your way

beauty
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Beauty in our culture has been hijacked and made into something subjective. Instead of a source of joy, beauty has become something we try to obtain and live up to.

The concept of beauty has created pain for many women as they feel they fall short of its elusive standard. But I prefer the definition on my Moonly app: beauty is in everything that exists in the Universe and implies a way of being, creation, and meaning.

An aesthetics and cosmetology committee started the International Day of Beauty in 1995. But beauty encompasses so much more than physical appearance. Here are 4 ways to celebrate this day in a way that fulfills and enriches.

1. Care for your body.

I am not talking about a punishing exercise regime or denying yourself the pleasure of fine foods. Go for a luxurious massage, body wrap or polish, or treat your skin to a facial.

Indulge your body in a treatment that’s only meant to serve your own pleasure. Let go of the desire to tame your body into submission to some ideal.

Eat healthy food and exercise moderately because you love your body and want it to work for you for a long time. Not because you seek cultural acceptance or love by looking a certain way.

2. Care for your soul.

beauty

Nourish your soul with a time of meditation. Envision what you want and how you’ll feel when you have it. Take yourself on a retreat, either online or in person.

Visit an art gallery or other cultural spot to indulge your love of beauty. Give yourself a massage with essential oils. Take your time to experience the fullness of this act of self-love.

3. Indulge your senses.

Enjoy aromatherapy such as the scent of essential oils in your self-massage. Drink an herbal tea which will satisfy taste buds and relax you at the same time.

Fulfill your desire for visual beauty by adorning yourself with beautiful accessories and clothing that make you feel wonderful. Apply your makeup and do your hair as an act of self-love rather than to please others.

Listen to soothing music that calms and relaxes you. Or energetic rhythms that make you want to dance. Then dance as if no one is watching. Close your eyes to achieve the feeling of freedom and abandonment.

4. Connect and communicate.

Speak beautiful affirmations of self-approval and self-love. Reach out to like-minded women for deep authentic connection.

Express yourself fully instead of holding back parts of you that feel unacceptable. Embrace your power and magic instead of dimming your light.

The world needs your unique gifts, so have the courage to display them even when it feels audacious or uncomfortable. Especially then.

Louise Hay and Wayne Dyer: how to create your reality

Louise Hay
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Both Louise Hay and Wayne Dyer passed away on this day a couple of years apart. They taught about the power of your thoughts to create your reality.

Both overcame tremendous odds to transform their lives by training their minds to think differently.

Louise Hay and Wayne Dyer stressed the importance of service over selfish ambition. They argue that you don’t attract what you want; you attract what you are.

So, if you withhold from others, you’ll experience lack. If you think only about what you want and what you can get, you’ll find it difficult to receive the help you need.

Some of us grew up feeling like we had to put others first to receive love. So, the service first mentality might feel like another form of self abandonment.

But when we seek to fulfill our true longings and align with our values, everyone benefits. We serve others best when we follow our heart’s desires. When we serve out of a feeling of obligation, however, resentment results.

Louise Hay said to love and approve of yourself

Louise Hay

Knowing yourself and what makes you happy is more important than seeking to serve first. Because the service aspect will take care of itself once you get aligned with your true purpose.

That’s why it’s better to focus on your own needs first. Louise Hay stressed the importance of self-love and self-approval.

Once you get clear on those, you will be in a primed position to serve the world and those around you in the best way possible.

As an example, I write first as a form of self-expression and to process my own transformation. But, I receive emails, DMs, and comments from people who say they’ve benefited from my posts.

Many artists and creators share this experience of helping people feel less alone or understand themselves better. Expressing themselves in a way that fulfills their own hearts and souls becomes a service to others.

Few musicians or artists began their work with service as their primary intention. But how many people have benefited through the enjoyment of great art or stirring music?

When we are true to ourselves and take the time to develop our strengths, everyone benefits. You don’t have to focus on service to create the life of your dreams.

Service becomes the natural outcome of pursuing those dreams. You only need to look within and pay attention to what makes you happy. Do more of that and the world will thank you for it.