How to Know It’s Narcissistic Abuse: 7 Signs
In recent years, there’s been a proliferation of content, especially on social media, about narcissistic abuse. Some experts decry the use of the word “narcissist” when someone hasn’t been clinically diagnosed.
However, the vast majority of narcissistic personalities will never submit to therapy. At least, not with the intention of getting well or understanding themselves.
They may use therapy as another way to manipulate and get what they want. They are famous for getting the therapist on their side and eliciting sympathy from others.
Someone doesn’t need to be a clinically diagnosed narcissist to make your life a living hell. But, you can look up the criteria for narcissistic personality disorder and see if your abuser’s traits match.
Narcissistic Abuse Tactics
There are several tactics common to narcissistic abuse. Depending on the nature of the relationship (whether this is a lover or a parent) and the level of narcissism, you may experience some or all of these.
1. DARVO
Our first narcissistic abuse tactic stands for Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. This happens when you bring a concern to the narcissist and, rather than acknowledging what you’re saying, they do the above.
Although you may be the one who got cheated on, lied to, or screamed at, they will turn the blame on you, making you into the perpetrator and transforming themselves into the victim.
2. Love Bombing
This tactic is a type of grooming mostly seen at the start of a romantic relationship with a narcissist. They will appear to be everything you’ve ever wanted as a way to lure you in and claim you.
They’ll make you think you have so much in common, ask a lot of questions, make you the center of their world, and say you’re perfect. All of this is a strategic campaign to get you under their control.
This phase is usually short and followed by a devaluation campaign where they drop the mask and begin to criticize and isolate you. That will be followed by discarding you (even if they get you to leave) and Love Bombing Part Deux (known as hoovering) where they try to suck you back in and start the cycle all over again.
they make you question yourself
3. Gaslighting
This tactic comes in many forms, including DARVO, and makes you question your own reality and even sanity. Rather than facing an issue you might be presenting, narcissistic abuse makes you the problem instead.
Your emotional reaction to abuse becomes the issue instead of the abuse itself. Or the perpetrator does strange things like hiding your belongings so you believe you’ve lost them, making you mistrust yourself.
4. Projection
This form of narcissistic abuse has the offender blaming you for things they’ve done. If they’ve cheated, they’ll accuse you of cheating, for example.
They will also project their negative traits onto you. They are emotionally dysregulated but say you’re “crazy”. They may even call you a narcissist.
5. Control
Narcissistic abuse involves a high level of control over the target (you). The narcissist objectifies you, making you into a belonging of theirs rather than a person with individual rights.
A narcissistic partner will isolate you from other people so you’re in a cult of two. That way, you have no one to share your concerns with, and your reality is dictated by what the narcissist wants you to think.
They control how you spend your time, who you spend it with, and eventually what you say and how you feel. Many survivors profess to having the narcissist’s voice inside their heads long after the relationship has ended.
They may also control your career choice, style of dress, and activities. If you’re the target of a narcissistic parent, this will have been going on for as long as you can remember.
Narcissistic abuse is confusing
6. Breadcrumbing
Narcissists might seem like they’ve always got one foot out the door in a relationship. That’s how they keep you insecure and eager to please them (or you fear they’ll leave).
Breadcrumbing happens when they give you just enough praise or hope to keep you hooked in. For example, after withdrawing all compliments, they might one day say you look nice.
They make vague references to plans for the future to the same end. This narcissistic abuse tactic keeps you believing a lie that they really do care for you and there is hope for the relationship.
7. Jekyll and Hyde
Everyone has good days and bad days but narcissistic abuse is characterized by extremes in this behavior. Often within the same interaction!
Mr. Wonderful whom you met in the love bombing phase becomes unspeakably cruel in the devaluation phase. As you get closer to the discard phase, he can change personalities from one second to the next.
That’s because it’s exhausting for the narcissist to keep their mask in place. This mask hides the true motives and personality of your abuser who only has his own nefarious needs in mind.
Last words
As the target of narcissistic abuse, you may have experienced some or all of these tactics. The results can be devastating to your self-worth and wreak havoc on your life.
The tactics will vary depending on the role the abuser plays in your life. Maternal narcissism can look different than that of a romantic partner.
However, the goal of the abuse is the same: to get you under their control so they can use you to meet their malevolent needs.
Some common mistakes are to reason with a narcissist or expect them to view the world as you do. Most of the time (and I mean 90% or more) they are not capable of self-reflection and have no desire to change.
Getting a reaction out of you is one of the major ways they feed their internal monster. That’s why gray rock and no contact are prescribed as the best remedies for narcissistic abuse.
Need support to overcome the impact of narcissistic abuse and move forward with your life? Learn more about private coaching with me here.
