How accepting their limitations will set you free

Have you ever been told to "let go" of resentment over how a family member treated you? Rather than letting go I suggest accepting their limitations instead.

Accepting their limitations does not mean condoning bad behavior. It means letting go of the belief that they will ever change, and the magical thinking that they will one day understand you.

It's important to realize dysfunctional family members are invested in misunderstanding you. They need to tell themselves you're wrong and deserve to be maligned, otherwise they might have to look at themselves.

Acknowledging your point of view would mean accepting that something needs to change. Whether that's your relationship or the whole family system.

Validating your concerns would mean admitting they were wrong. They can't do that because their entire belief system depends on you taking the blame.

When I say belief system I mean "family". Dysfunctional families act in a cult-like manner when they dictate how everyone must behave and what roles they play.

Accepting their limitations means telling the truth

They may have demonized you for telling the truth. Because you're a truth teller you innocently believe they only need to see the truth to understand.

But the whole system is based on hiding the truth. You are a threat because you seek to expose the truth for the purpose of healing.

Dysfunctional families are not interested in healing. Their primary concern is maintaining the sick status quo at all costs.

Usually, there is one person who is particularly toxic and the rest of the family enables him or her. By questioning this setup you pose a serious threat to the cult/family.

Your desire to shed light on the situation is anathema to those who believe their lives depend on staying in the dark. Your mistake was believing your family loves you and wants what's best for you.

Our culture promotes this erroneous belief that families are always loving. You kept yourself safe as a child by believing your family loved you because the alternative was too scary.

Instead of seeing the stark truth, you invented a narrative in your little mind that had nothing to do with what was happening in plain sight.

"My parents are loving, caring and capable, and I am the problem, " you told yourself. "If I behave better, act perfectly, and make them happy, they will love me; I just have to try harder."

Now that you're an adult, that facade is cracking. You're beginning to see the truth that something is rotten in the state of Denmark (to quote Shakespeare).

It's not your job to heal the family

You believe it's your job to heal the family when this is really a call to focus on yourself. You're so conditioned to believe your happiness depends on their acceptance that you can't let go of the quest for their understanding.

They've made love conditional so you don't see the love that's always available inside you. Accepting their limitations feels impossible because you've spent your whole life trying to win them over.

You believed without their love you might die. So, admitting the truth that it really is unwinnable feels like a death.

But, letting go of the dream that they will one day understand you is your key to life. What keeps you miserable is believing you have the power to change people who have no interest in changing.

The same system that made you responsible for maintaininig toxic relationships makes you believe it's your job to heal your family.

Instead, this is a call to heal yourself.

The spring session for private coaching is now open. For transformational support on navigating dysfunctional families, click here.