How to stop being strong
You may have looked twice at the title because, what’s wrong with being strong? Most of my clients would describe themselves this way and others see them that way, too.
However, being strong is yet another symptom of growing up in a dysfunctional home. When honest emotions or making mistakes are viewed as punishable weaknesses, you decide you better man (or woman) up to survive.
Children aren’t supposed to be strong. Dependent on the adults around them, they play and explore their world without fear because mom and dad have their back.
Oh, wait, that doesn’t sound like your childhood? You mean your parents not only didn’t have your back but were the source of the threat?
Well, that changes everything. No longer will you be a child who plays and explores, but one who becomes fixated on keeping itself safe.
Why you started being strong
Staying out of the line of fire of a toxic parent while simultaneously hiding your feelings from everyone around you? Well, that requires a ton of strength that becomes maladaptive as we get older.
You get used to tolerating toxic behavior that would make others moan and complain. You grow accustomed to helping and supporting others while no one helps or supports you.
That’s why other people see you as strong. It works well for them but not so well for you.
That’s why this article is about how to stop being strong all the time and start tapping into the truth of what you’ve been putting up with.
One of the reasons for undue strength is parentification. As a child, you’re shoved in the role of caretaker (whether of emotions or tasks such as child minding).
Your parent has tantrums and behaves erratically, but you have to keep it together. That’s a role reversal that creates strength in you that is inappropriate for your age.
Another reason could be a parent’s addiction or mental illness. You have to cover up for them and pick up the pieces they throw on the ground.
Sometimes the reasons you grow up too fast are outside anyone’s control. These include divorce, hospitalization, or death in the family.
We’re not concerned with the why, but the how of its effect on you. And what you can do about that now.
How to stop being so strong
Ask for help.
You may pride yourself on how much you can do on your own. You might look at others and wonder why they can’t do it, too.
It’s not lack of strength but self-love that makes others insist on help rather than going it alone. When you ask for assistance, you’re not expressing weakness but humanity.
Doing everything yourself not only creates burnout but resentment. The kind that causes disease and chronic pain and will eventually kill you.
2. Make mistakes.
I encourage you to make mistakes and lots of them. Most people know that mistakes are another part of being human and we learn from them.
You may have grown up believing mistakes made you stupid but the opposite is true. Without mistakes you don’t grow, and your relationships will lack the intimacy that comes when you show vulnerability.
3. Have standards.
Instead of taking all the crap people throw at you, have standards for what you’ll tolerate. These are commonly called boundaries and they tell other people what you will and won’t put up with.
These are different for everyone but require you to focus on your own needs instead of others’. This may be new for you but it’s a skill to develop if you want to stop being strong and start taking care of your own needs.
4. Take good care of yourself.
Finally, develop a routine of self-care and time to do whatever you want. Practice saying no when anyone encroaches on that time.
Self-care may feel unattainable at the moment, so start simple. Set a timer for 10 minutes and sit there watching your thoughts and feelings go by, or write them in a journal.
This is the beginning of self-connection and the end of over-extending yourself. It’s time to stop being strong for people who will never appreciate your efforts, anyway.
If you want help to overcome codependency and have the life, career, and relationships you desire, consider coaching with me.
