How to comfort yourself when you’re scared
Have you ever experienced fear in your body when you had to give a speech or presentation? In response to that fear, did you comfort yourself or try to talk yourself out of your feelings?
If you use logic to try and convince your body it has no right to feel the way it does, you’re not alone. Instead of acknowledging how we feel, we tell ourselves we shouldn’t feel that way.
We believe this will make us feel better when all it does is make you detach from yourself. That’s why doing something scary over and over doesn’t always make you better at it.
If you neglect the need to comfort yourself and “push through” instead, you abandon yourself. Your body knows you’re unsafe even when your mind gives it all the evidence in the world that you are in no danger.
Presenting to a group of people, for example, carries with it the possibility of rejection. That threat can feel very real in your body, especially if you’re a survivor of childhood trauma.
As a child you faced rejection and abandonment every day from those you depended on for your survival. At the time, the fear was real because a child who is not cared for is in trouble due to lack of resources.
However, as an adult you can take care of yourself, so it’s not as threatening to be rejected by others. But your body doesn’t know that and feels the fear the same way as when you were a kid.
Comfort yourself instead of “just do it”
That’s why it’s more helpful to comfort yourself than “just do it” when your body feels scared in the face of challenges. What if rather than a pep talk you gave yourself a soothing hug or an acknowledgment that it makes sense to feel the way you do?
These would help calm the nervous system that’s been activated to protect you from harm. By putting you in a survival state it is designed to help you stay alive.
This is just one example of the way you are on your own side even when it feels like self-sabotage. When you comfort yourself, you give your body back the love it’s trying to give you by putting you into fight or flight mode.
Instead of feeling frustrated with your body for its responses, you can feel grateful for its desire to keep you safe. And you can give it the loving attention it needs and perhaps never received when it was young.
When you comfort yourself you calm the nervous system. This helps you feel better without talking yourself out of anything (which can make you feel worse). Here are a few ways.
Soothe the nervous system
Breath deeply and exhale with an audible sigh.
Jump up and down, shake your limbs, do pushups. Vigorous movement helps move stress out of the body.
Give yourself a soothing touch like a self-hug, place hands on the sides of your face, touch the tops of your legs, your heart, your stomach. Research shows that self-touch can feel as healing as touch from another.
Emotional Freedom Technique can help regulate the nervous system by tapping certain points on the body.
Drink something warm and feel your hands on the sides of the mug.
Rather than pep talk or, worse, berating yourself, tell yourself the truth that it makes sense to feel the way you do and it’s your body’s way of keeping you safe and protected.
