Is forgiveness necessary for healing and how to know

Photo by Alex Shute on Unsplash

Is forgiveness necessary for healing? Especially if you come from a faith background, you've probably learned a lot about the power of forgiveness.

You may have felt like you had no other choice than to forgive an abuser. We're bombarded with images and videos of people forgiving criminals of heinous crimes.

I wonder, however, when forgiveness becomes a form of people pleasing.

According to medical experts like Gabor Maté, unexpressed anger manifests as disease. The suppression of rage that often accompanies forgiveness can make us sick.

With this in mind, is it possible forgiveness may do more harm than good?

Can you heal without forgiving?

Sure, we're told refusing to forgive is like taking poison and hoping the other person will die. But this perspective supports the societal view that anger and resentment should go unacknowledged.

Forgiveness given before processing anger forces the victim to suppress their own needs. And it's another form of self abandonment designed to make others feel better.

Forcing yourself to forgive means denying your true feelings. Isn't that what we're trying to stop doing?

Is it possible you think you can't move on without forgiving because society has conditioned you to believe that?

What if you focused instead on the wonderful information you receive from your anger. Instead of once again feeling responsible for repairing what someone else broke.

Why forgiveness is not necessary

The idea that forgiveness is necessary for healing has become commonplace. It's like saying the sky is blue.

But it seems yet another way society lets abusers off the hook and puts it on the victim. Once again, the victim does all the hard work while the abuser receives protection.

On top of the abuse or neglect, survivors feel guilty for a lack of forgiveness. And expected to forgive even if no one's asked for it or apologized.

Now, all this would be fine if forgiveness always promoted healing and helped a survivor move on. But, often it creates harmful cognitive dissonance.

It keeps the survivor in a pattern of denying her true feelings and telling herself something she doesn't believe. This has been our self-defeating pattern all along and needs to change.

I've come to believe forgiving yourself is more important than forgiving others. Often, we blame ourselves for what happened, as though we should have done something to stop it.

authentic forgiveness

Authentic forgiveness comes when you stop pressuring yourself into it and focus on your own healing instead.

After you process your rightful anger and resentment, you may find yourself thinking less and less about your abuser.

As your life improves and the person has lost control over you, your resentment decreases. But anger might remain and that's okay.

Perhaps anger has its place as a guardian of your heart. It reminds you of what you endured and why you should never go back.

Forced forgiveness comes from the same mindset that views anger in a negative light. Let's normalize seeing anger as your friend.

last words

Forgiveness is a personal decision, and something that can’t be forced. Contrary to popular belief, forgiveness is not necessary for healing.

What’s needed is a shift to focus on yourself, instead of trying to please others and make excuses for them.

Before you go, I’ve got a free masterclass that will teach you more about how the actions of others have affected you and what to do about that.

It’s my 4-step process for healing your childhood trauma and you can watch it here.