How to understand your fear of getting in trouble

Photo by Pawel Czerwinski on Unsplash

Did you know fear of getting in trouble is a symptom of childhood trauma? Whenever the phone rings or someone wants to talk, you assume it’s because you’ve done something wrong.

You never think either of these scenarios could bring good news. You fear instead that you’ll be reprimanded for some yet unknown offence.

There are good reasons why a ringing phone feels ominous and someone asking to speak with you feels torturous.

That’s because both of these scenarios have uncertain outcomes. Before caller ID, you had no idea who was on the other end of the phone or what they wanted. Similarly, you had to wait to find out what someone wanted to talk to you about.

Maybe you grew up in a home where you got in trouble without knowing why. Or had things taken away from you for random reasons.

If you grew up under the tyranny of never knowing when the other shoe would drop, you’d develop a seemingly irrational fear of getting in trouble.

However, since your fear is based on past experience, it makes sense you would feel this way. It’s a natural way of protecting yourself from pain that lurks around every corner.

Fear of getting in trouble follows you into adulthood. It impacts your visibility because you may fear reprimand when you stand out from the crowd.

Perhaps you avoided being noticed as a child because you only received negative attention. You got the message you were a burden or annoyance to your parents.

getting in trouble for being seen

As an adult, you fly under the radar because that feels safer. Allowing your gifts to be seen and celebrated feels dangerous because in childhood, it was.

Posting something controversial on Instagram may have you fearing the police will come to your door. And a difference of opinion makes you terrified of losing a relationship.

As a child, you were punished any time you acted like yourself. So, now you do your best to be anything but.

That leads to the inauthenticity of the trauma survivor. In place of the self, you’ve developed a series of coping mechanisms based on fear of what other people will do to you.

Because punishments in the home were so unpredictable, you find it hard to discern where they’ll come from next. So, to protect yourself, you expect them all the time and develop a generalized fear of the unknown.

The curiosity and spontaneity that makes for a fulfilling and enjoyable life elude you. These are the luxuries of those raised in healthy homes where supportive parents provided a safe place to land.

Without the safety of responsive and protective parents, you couldn’t afford to let down your guard. Instead of openness to experience, you developed fear of any uncertain outcomes.

You became hyper-controlling because knowing what to expect was the only way to feel safe. However, life is full of unexpected moments and uncertainty.

It’s impossible to know what’s around the corner every moment and that’s part of the richness of life. Living in fear of what might happen robs you of the peace your deserve today.

how to cope

One way to deal with fear of getting in trouble is mindfulness. This keeps you rooted in the present instead of looking ahead with dread.

It’s the acceptance that you have little to no control over what might happen. That’s different than shaming yourself or talking yourself out of how you feel.

The common advice to feel the fear and do it anyway can force you to detach from yourself. Instead, comfort yourself as you move through the fear.

Rather than forcing yourself to do something that feels scary, tune into your body. What does it need to feel safe?

Perhaps a gentle hand on your heart or stomach to self-soothe. Or positive self-talk that says “it makes sense to feel the way you do” or “I feel __ and that’s the right way to feel.”

This will help you stay connected and on your own side rather than scolding yourself. These self-protective patterns kept you safe, but now you’re an adult with access to resources you didn’t have as a child.

You can remind yourself that not knowing no longer poses the threat it used to. You can deal with unknown outcomes and even learn to anticipate that something good might happen.