How to stop lying to yourself that you're okay
Whenever I hear a Gen X bragging on social media about their emotional neglect as if it were a badge of honor, I shake my head. Are you sure you’re not lying to yourself about the benefits of being ignored?
As a Gen X myself, I relate to the lack of care and attention that was emblematic of my generation.
Not only were some of us in families that took this neglect to the extreme, but the culture we grew up in provided a perfect storm.
Divorce became acceptable and accessible which led to a spike in marital breakdown. That often meant you saw far less of one parent and became either a surrogate spouse or parent’s helper or both.
Mothers entered the work force in droves before child care had been established. That left us on our own a lot of the time, looking after younger siblings, getting dinner ready, and other forms of parentification.
Before and after school care programs that are common now weren’t available then. Before and after school, we took care of ourselves from a very young age.
We were raised at a time before “parenting” was even a term. If you didn’t hit your kids, you were considered a weirdo.
The needs of the parents took priority over those of the children. And that was considered a good and healthy thing.
We were put to sleep among the coats at neighborhood parties. We sat in the car (while it was running) so our parents could go into the store unburdened.
The harm of lying to yourself
These are signs of the times and not what makes me cringe. It’s the lying to yourself that you’re better off because of childhood neglect that bothers me.
Here are a few examples of this Generation X-style self-gaslighting:
You don’t complain.
That’s because you were raised to believe you don’t deserve to put your needs first. Being a good helper and staying out of your parents’ way won you “love”.
Prioritizing others’ needs and not expressing your own became second-nature to you. Either because you knew those needs wouldn’t be met, or you’d get in trouble for expressing them.
You give more than you get.
You don’t expect to be promoted at work until you’ve paid your dues. Even if others who are less self-sacrificing get promoted over you.
That’s one reason Generation X is lauded as so wonderful to work with. All we want to do is make life easier for you.
Yes, others love it when you ask for nothing and give everything. This leads to you being taken advantage of in all areas of your life, including work.
You “suck it up” like no one else.
You believe because you can tolerate a lot of discomfort, that makes you stronger than others. But, when you’ve been primed to put your needs last, discomfort feels normal.
Self-care was not encouraged and feels like a luxury to you. You resent others who give themselves the care and attention you feel too guilty to give yourself.
This suppressed resentment leads to chronic pain and illness. And it stops you from giving yourself essental self-nurturing and setting life-saving boundaries.
“I turned out okay”
So, next time you say “my parents ignored me/hit me/parentified me and I turned out okay”, ask honestly if you might be lying to yourself.
Because until you tell the truth about what happened to you, or more correctly, what you didn’t get in childhood…you’ll never heal.
And you won’t know the amazing scope of what life has in store for you. Because the authentic life you deserve and desire where your needs come first?
That’s on the other side of protecting your parents and the culture that let you down.
