Why the scapegoat leaves and how to survive the fallout

Photo by Mantas Hesthaven on Unsplash

When the scapegoat leaves, it is because remaining in the family has become intolerable. By blaming the scapegoat for all their problems, the family avoids looking at itself and making the necessary changes to heal.

In fact, all roles in the dysfunctional family are designed for this purpose. They provide a distraction from the family’s issues to prevent change and maintain the status quo.

It could be argued that the scapegoat plays the most thankless role in the dysfunctional family. The Mascot is known as an entertainer while the Hero is lauded for their success. The Lost Child gets left alone and the Enabler is viewed as a helper.

Not to minimize the pain of any other roles, but the scapegoat is maligned in a way the others are not. They can do no right and get blamed for things they have not done or even things other people have done.

when the scapegoat leaves

When the scapegoat leaves, it is often after a long period of gaslighting and bullying that has created a strong sense of self-loathing. This makes it difficult for the scapegoat to progress toward their goals since they have a deep-seated feeling of unworthiness.

Before the scapegoat leaves, they suffer the confusion of feeling despised by their own family and not knowing why. They may act out as a result of the hatred directed toward them which makes them feel they’re “bad”.

The feeling of being bad is encouraged in the scapegoat so the family can continue to live in their delusion. They want you to believe everything is your fault so you will bear the brunt of the family’s dysfunction.

Normally, you will not be let out of that role no matter how hard you try to reason with them. They do not want your truth or insight, but to keep you in the role of family sin-bearer.

Once they finally realize the futility of their efforts to make their family understand them, the scapegoat leaves to start a new life on their terms.

consequences of leaving

However, they are left with the fallout from leaving the dysfunctional family. This includes social stigma, intense loneliness from an orphan status, regret about the past, and the fact they have to rebuild themselves from nothing because that’s what their family gave them (nothing).

And that doesn’t begin to cover the very real tactics the family will use to sabotage you. They will enlist flying monkeys, use smear campaigns, and hoover you back into the family’s lair so they can continue to use you as the trashcan for their issues.

All of the above make it feel as though there is no reward when the scapegoat leaves. However, as you heal, you will learn to find validation outside your family and inside yourself.

Social stigma

After a lifetime of feeling misunderstood and maligned, the scapegoat leaves to enter a world that mirrors the dysfunctional family. In an effort to uphold their treasured myths around families being loving, society will stigmatize anyone who leaves theirs.

I have heard coaches tell their clients to beware of people who have troubled relationships with their families. You may have echoed the world’s erroneous belief that you are the “common denominator” if everyone else in your family seems to get along.

The faulty reasoning says if everyone else has a problem with you, then you must be the problem. However, people who say this lack knowledge of how dysfunctional families operate and therefore no right to judge your decision.

loneliness & isolation

Photo by micheile henderson on Unsplash

Orphan status

A sense of belonging is one of our primary needs as a human being. We expect to receive this in our families and, when we don’t, we feel untethered.

Denied this basic human need by the ones who are most supposed to give it, we are devastated. In fact, you have spent most of your life denying the fact your family doesn’t love because it was too painful to admit.

When you finally wake up to the fact that you are more alone in this unit than you would ever be outside of it, there’s a time of intense isolation. Especially during holidays and special occasions, you feel as though you belong to no one and that can make you second guess your decision to leave.

However, if you have the courage to withstand this excruciating phase, your freedom awaits you. New relationships (especially the one with yourself) will enter to fill that gap, but it takes time and can’t be rushed.

Regret

You will experience feelings of regret over how long it took you to leave. All the energy you spent trying to get these people to understand could have been used for your own healing and progress.

However, it is never too late and there is no time like the present to have the life you desire. The greatest gift you will give yourself is release from the bonds of wishing things could have been different.

You have no idea what life would have been like if you woke up earlier. That self-blame is a remnant from a childhood in which you got blamed for everything and felt as though you should have acted differently.

My clients tell me they are grateful for the way life reveals things to them when the time is right. They believe the delay protects them from pain they aren’t yet ready to handle.

family tactics when the scapegoat leaves

Flying monkeys

When I went no contact with my mother, her sister called me, not to see how I was doing, but to try and convince me to make amends with my mother. Of course, that would mean me groveling and taking all responsibility for something that wasn’t my fault.

This is just one example of a flying monkey. These are people the narcissist or toxic family member enlists to help pull you back into the abusive relationship.

The flying monkey can be someone you thought you could trust. That’s why they can be so effective in returning you to a space where your abuser can continue to control you.

The abusive family member might even get your friends on board with sob stories about how you’ve wronged them. Flying monkeys are easy to spot because of their lack of concern for you and how the situation impacts your well-being.

Smear campaigns

Unfortunately, when the scapegoat leaves they can continue to inhabit that role from afar. That means the family will keep up the charade that something’s wrong with you to keep the focus off them and their problems.

They will tell others that you have mental health issues and they are “concerned” about you. If you run into someone outside the family and they act strange around you, they’ve probably fallen for this smear campaign.

Your toxic family member may send you articles and videos that address your “condition” in the guise of wanting to help. In fact, they are still trying to use you to take the focus off themselves and the problems they need to fix.

how to cope with the fallout

Educate yourself

Arm yourself with the truth of what happens when the scapegoat leaves the dysfunctional family. The toxic unit will do anything to avoid looking at themselves and you are simply their route to that avoidance.

You’ve abandoned the sinking ship, but in this case the rats have stayed on board. That’s because they refuse to acknowledge the truth and keep lying to themselves that they’re on a pleasure cruise.

They do not care about you and never did. Your role in the family was to protect them from the self-reflection that would force them to change.

Keep this in mind any time you begin to send more compassion to them than to yourself. And let your self-compassion be fruitful, not wasted on trying to make the rats understand you.

Use self-compassion

Speaking of self-compassion, the practice marks the road to safety and healthy transformation. It’s time to write a new narrative to replace the false one your family gave you about yourself.

Teach yourself kindness and self-comfort. Accept your feelings and acknowledge them rather than escaping them with maladaptive coping mechanisms.

Use meditation to rewire your brain to become more friendly toward yourself. It will also help you live more in the present moment rather than the past or the future.

Recognize that you are not alone. There are countless scapegoats just like you in both families and institutions who are misused because they threaten to expose a corrupt system.

Final words

Your courage to tell the truth in the face of such pressure to lie is commendable. Your job now is to understand that your worth lies in all the things your family tried to crush in you.

Your honesty and insight become beacons guiding you toward an authentic life. Surround yourself with people who support integrity rather than quashing it, and establish a sense of self that overrides the need for external validation.

To confirm your role in the family system, take the 2-minute quiz: