Toxic families don’t do this important thing

I’ve heard it said that all families are dysfunctional in some way. However, toxic families have specific ways of operating that prevent them from functioning optimally (to say the least).

If you grew up in one of these toxic families, you’ve likely experienced extremes of conflict. Either chaos prevailed, or a slick veneer of fake perfection covered the truth of the dysfunction that lay close to the surface.

You may believe if you grew up in a high conflict family that healthy families don’t fight. In fact, I’ve had clients who were drawn to in-laws due to their lack of conflict. Only to discover they suppressed dissent and disagreement to prop up a false image of a perfect family.

In fact, healthy families do argue and experience conflict. One of the hallmarks of healthy families is that they come to each other and express their grievances honestly.

They assert thoughts and opinions and voice their needs. Unlike adult children of dysfunctional families, they’re unafraid of rejection or abandonment for doing so.

The one thing toxic families don’t do

Although toxic families can experience high conflict, they rarely do so in a way that promotes growth or increases intimacy. Unlike healthy families, dysfunctional ones don’t engage in straight talk.

That means they rarely say what they mean or feel. Often because they are so disconnected from self and so used to operating dysfunctionally, they don’t know how.

They hurl accusations and use manipulative tactics such as blaming and shaming and silent treatment. Rather than seeking to connect or understand or simply speak their minds, they aim to control and “win”.

Toxic families often struggle with generational trauma. That means there is a deeply ingrained pattern of communicating dishonestly that goes back centuries.

Sometimes when I say I come from a dysfunctional family, the listener says they do too because their family fights a lot. Ironically, that could be a sign of a healthy (or at least a functioning) family.

If arguments involve straight talk where the participants mean what they say, that’s healthy. If the talk is designed to control and manipulate the other person and hide how you really feel, that’s toxic.

straight talk requires trust

Straight talk is rare in an environment where everyone is taught to armor up against each other. This happens in toxic families when trust is lost because of betrayal trauma.

You learn that speaking openly and honestly is dangerous. It gets you punished or treated like a burden by caregivers who require you to behave a certain way to win “love”.

To survive, you believe you have to defend yourself against constant attacks. And this prevents the honest communication that requires vulnerability and openness.

Straight talk also signals a desire to resolve conflict, and toxic families don’t want that. More often, members want to exert power over other members and maintain the status quo.