Signs and causes of women who love too much

Photo by Brigitte Tohm on Unsplash

Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood took the world by storm in 1985. It told countless stories of women who stood by men whose love fell far out of reach.

In an interview, Gary Thomas who wrote When to Walk Away, said there are plenty of women who love too much but he's never heard of a man who loved too much.

Women who love too much share the trait of self-abandonment. Instead of asking for what they want, they twist themselves to fit into what someone else wants or needs.

Here are 5 signs you are a woman who loves too much. But there are more, including using sex to get or keep his attention.

1. Women who love too much are drawn to unavailable men.

These men are either physically or emotionally unavailable for a meaningful relationship. They could be married or have an addiction they prioritize over you.

They might be narcissistic, afraid of intimacy, or uninterested in a deeper relationship with you. And they may have unresolved issues from childhood that make them unable to form attachments.

2. Nice men are boring to you.

You find it impossible to be attracted to men who are nice and treat you well. You find a way to sabotage any chance of relationship with these men because they are not creating the chaos you crave.

Although painful, you need the internal turmoil provoked by an unavailable man. You mistake the insecurity and poor treatment for passion. Love to you has always been hard and hurtful, and a kind man will not feel like "home".

3. Women who love too much compromise values.

In an effort to win the man's love, you keep moving your boundaries, if you had any to begin with. You make excuses for poor behavior and take up with an addict, for instance, even though you said you never would.

4. You think if you try hard enough, you'll win them over.

To you red flags are not a sign of danger but something to overcome. You think with enough love and understanding you'll coax this man into a relationship. Even when he has a pattern of evading commitment in the past.

You cling to a fantasy that you're the one who will get through to him. If you need less and give more, he'll become your knight in shining armor and fulfill the empty space inside.

5. You're obsessed with thoughts of the person.

When you're with friends, he's all you ever talk about. You're constantly checking your phone to see if he's texted or called. You suffer the constant pain of insecurity due to the power imbalance of him not caring as much as you do.

What creates women who love too much?

Women who love too much seek the love they never received as children. Your father or mother's affection felt out of reach. So, you reenact that childhood drama by yearning for, and never receiving, love from a man.

Instead of learning from experience and leaving one-sided relationships, you double down. Either with the same man or another unavailable partner, you keep pursuing people who will never return your love.

As in childhood, you assume the problem lies with you. If only you were more understanding, prettier, more perfect, you'd win his love. It's a trick now as it was then, and keeps you from ever having your needs met.

Although your mind tells you otherwise, you do not want a real relationship. You pursue these hopeless cases because they protect you from your deep fear of intimacy.

If your parents never gave you the love you needed, you will feel unworthy of love. Even if subconscious, this self-belief plays out in these artificial relationships.

It's a fear of being seen and known because you might be unclear of who you really are. Or harbor a deep-seated fear that there is something wrong with you. If anyone really knew you, they wouldn't like you.

So, you get involved with men who have no interest in knowing you and that keeps you safe. At the same time, you tell yourself that making this person fall in love with you will solve all your problems.

Not only will this never happen, another person is not the answer to anyone's emptiness inside. We need to get to the root of our self-loathing and self-sabotage. This means resolving our past and understanding who we are and what we really need.