How To Heal From A Narcissistic Mother: 9 Proven Ways

How do I heal from a narcissistic mother? If you’re asking this question, you’re in the right place.

In this article, we’ll cover 9 ways to handle this type of abuse from someone who’s been there. First, we’ll discuss the most common signs of a narcissistic mother.

Let’s dive in.

What are the signs of a narcissistic mother?

There are some traits common to narcissistic mothers which I’ll list below. This list is not exhaustive and your mother may exhibit some or all of these characteristics.

She may also have different toxic traits than those explored here. 

Manipulation & gaslighting

Narcissistic mothers use various manipulation tactics to get what they want. They can play on your guilt (one reason I disagree with Brene Brown that guilt is a sign you’ve done something wrong).

They use gaslighting to keep you confused and easy to control. This means they deny your reality, saying you are too sensitive or imagining things, and that your feelings don’t matter.

No boundaries

There are no boundaries allowed with the narcissistic mother. She views her children as an extension of herself.

If you try to individuate or stand up for yourself, she will punish you. That could mean rejection in the form of silent treatment or rage depending on her chosen style.

Constant criticism

Nothing is ever good enough for her and she criticizes and demeans you constantly. If you got an A, it should have been an A plus. And your appearance is targeted for her critiques.

Her lack of empathy or compassion makes it hard for her to treat you with loving kindness. Instead she is shaming, mean-spirited, and dismissive. 

If she has a victim mentality, everything that goes wrong in her life will be your fault.

9 ways to heal from a narcissistic mother

Recognize what’s going on

For me, the first step to healing from a narcissistic mother was acknowledging the truth about who she was. These were not ordinary mother-daughter issues, but the antics of someone with a personality disorder.

It’s important to note that people suffering with such a pathological nature cannot change. Except in extremely rare cases, they keep operating as they always have, causing inevitable harm to those in relationship with them.

Educate yourself

Once you’ve recognized what you’re dealing with, learn everything you can about narcissistic abuse. You may also want to read about other Cluster B personality disorders as these often overlap.

You can search up other articles in this blog library on the topic. You may also find experts on YouTube, read books on the subject, and watch movies.

It helps to learn from adult children of narcissistic mothers. This way you know their strategies are proven and you will feel less alone and more validated in your experience.

Don’t focus on forgiveness

Other articles will tell you to forgive her. I say focus on yourself and forget about forgiveness.

You’ve been forced to think about your mother and how hard she’s had it your whole life. Now it’s your turn to prioritize your own needs and turn toward yourself.

If you try to forgive too soon, you will miss the opportunity to process all that righteous anger. We’ll talk about that next.

Acknowledge anger

Adult children of narcissistic mothers have a lot of suppressed anger and rage. That’s because you have been forced all your life to stuff your feelings down.

The rage you feel over the heinous way you’ve been treated needs to be seen and dealt with. This can include journaling all the ways she’s hurt you.

If you keep stuffing this anger, you may develop chronic pain and autoimmune disease. Releasing this anger has been known to heal these symptoms almost immediately.

Emotionally detach

Now you know it’s impossible to have a normal relationship with her, because she’s not normal. So, stop trying to make her understand you.

She has no capacity to truly care about someone as a unique and separate person. Therefore, if you choose to stay in a relationship with her, you must accept her limitations.

She will never give you the love and attention you crave from her. You must give that to yourself.

She will always look for a reaction out of you to exert her power and control. This is exhilarating to her and harmful to you.

Stop reacting to her baiting tactics and YOU will gain the power and control. Anything you say can and will be used against you and that’s why many choose no contact.

Go no contact

Exactly what it sounds like, no contact means no calling, texting, speaking, or acknowledging of any kind. You may choose to block her on your phone, email and social media platforms.

She will send flying monkeys to elicit information or tell you how awful you are for abandoning her. Don’t take the bait.

Treat flying monkeys with the same emotional detachment you’ve learned to use with your mother.

And get ready for a smear campaign. Your job is not to defend yourself, but to fortify your self-worth so that whatever they say doesn’t matter.

Set boundaries

No contact is a boundary. But if you choose to stay, let her know what you will and won’t tolerate without getting emotional about it.

You can have boundaries around your time, so you only see her for a certain amount of hours. You can have boundaries around your space so you move away to create more distance between you.

Say no to anything you don’t want to do. If she violates a boundary, have a consequence (ending the visit, for example).

Prioritize your own needs

This is a time for you to get to know yourself. All your life you’ve had to self-abandon and put her needs first. 

Now you get to embark on a journey of self-discovery. That means learning what you like and don’t like. 

What are your values and goals in life aside from what she wanted for you? How do you like to dress and do your hair?

Narc-proof yourself

It’s a sad truth that children of narcissistic parents are prone to getting into relationships with other narcissists. This could be because you’re used to toxicity and the aroma smells familiar.

You miss red flags because you don’t trust your judgment due to gaslighting from your mother. You also let people cross your boundaries because you never learned how to set them.

If a narcissistic dating prospect finds out you were abused as a child, he will use that against you. Lacking empathy or compassion, he will see your pain as a way to ingratiate himself into your life and get what he wants.

The best protection from a narcissist is the education piece described above. When you know the signs, you’ll be able to spot them more easily.

Setting boundaries early and often is another way to repel a narcissist. That’s because crossing boundaries is how they intentionally “test” if you’re a good target for their game.

Next steps

There you have my 9 proven ways to heal from a narcissistic mother. These are the exact methods I’ve used in my own healing journey and passed onto my clients with great success.

Surviving a mother like this feels dark and gloomy at times. But, the more you practice these techniques, the freer you become.

With that in mind, I have a gift that will help you see the light when it comes to recovery from this type of abuse. Enter your email below to claim it.