How to overcome fear of rejection

We often think of fear of rejection in terms of feeling cast out from the group or abandoned. This fear is a common symptom of complex ptsd, due to rejection by the primary caregiver.

However, a subtler form of rejection can make you avoid asking for what you want. You fear this perceived rejection (and it is only perception) so much that you’d rather eliminate any chance of getting what you want than ask for it.

The fear that prevents you from asking for what you want is the chance you might hear the word ‘no’. That’s because as a child, being told you couldn’t have what you wanted was so commonplace you’ve come to expect it.

That’s not to say you will never hear ‘no’ when you ask for something. Those of us who’ve ever pitched an idea know that comes with the territory.

But, you experience the setback and move on to the next possibility. You don’t avoid making the pitch because someone might say no on your first attempt.

With an unhealed inner child, however, you will experience any ‘no’ as a rejection of you, rather than a mismatch between your ask and what the other person needs or wants or is able to give.

And that’s intolerable to your inner child. You’d rather avoid asking altogether which ensures you never get what you want.

Why rejection feels paralyzing

The reason why this subtle rejection feels so paralyzing is that you had no choice when you were a child. If a parent shut you down, you had no other way of getting what you wanted.

As a result, you became conditioned to believe you couldn’t have things other people could have. I used to hear a voice in my head say, “that’s not for you” whenever I wanted something good.

So, even as an adult, hearing no can feel like the end of the line. You don’t want to ask because you think the person receiving the request has the power to finish you like your parents did.

You forget you can find other people or other ways to get what you want. You have access to resources as an adult that were not available to you as a child.

Is there something you’re avoiding asking for because you’re afraid the answer will be ‘no’? Can you take the risk and see if there are other ways to get what you want if the answer is indeed negative?

It’s not about you

Do you see that a negative response to your request is not a rejection of you as a person? It may not even be a rejection of your request, as sometimes people decline due to circumstances outside their control.

For example, there are only a certain amount of spaces available. Or the timing is just not right.

When you avoid asking out of fear of perceived rejection, you ensure you never get what you want. When you advocate for yourself and ask, you might hear ‘no’ but at least you know.

Now you can move on and create new ways to achieve your goal. You’re no longer that child whose dreams were dashed because someone more powerful shut them down.