How to understand devastating relationship patterns

Have you noticed you repeat certain relationship patterns? Even when you tell yourself you’ll never make the same mistake?

A relationship might start out looking differently but gradually morph into the same old dynamic you’re used to. The one that ensures you never get what you want.

That’s because you still have something to learn from that pattern. Until you receive the lesson and change, you’ll keep getting the same result.

One reason we keep getting the same thing is because we don’t believe we deserve better. Telling yourself you know what you deserve and believing it on a subconscious level are two different things.

You may also suffer the fallout from childhood abuse or neglect. You’re used to feeling unloved or unwanted so that feels familiar to you.

As a result, you gravitate toward people who give you that feeling. To you, love is something you chase and never get, so you pursue emotionally unavailable people.

Attraction & Relationship patterns

That’s also why you’re attracted to people who are not very interested in you. On the flipside, you may feel repulsion for someone who treats you well and seems “easy to get”.

Remember, love to you is hard to get and something you feel you must prove yourself to receive. So, if someone comes along and wants to give it to you freely, that doesn’t feel right to your system.

Even when you want to do things differently on a conscious level, these old relationship patterns are based on a desire to survive. And survival trumps everything else.

If you get into an argument with a significant other, that can set off your fight or flight response. In this survival mode, your logical mind shuts down and you revert to coping mechanisms you used in childhood.

For example, I witnessed domestic violence in my childhood. So, whenever a man expressed anger in my presence I started looking for the exits and fawning to defuse tension.

These are harmful relationship patterns because there’s nothing wrong with healthy anger. Instead of using it as a way to deeper understanding, I’d disconnect as a survival mechanism.

how to change the pattern

So, how do we stop behaving in the same unhelpful ways and attracting the same things? The first step is to educate yourself about the part your family system played in your adult relationship patterns.

Learn about your role in the dysfunctional family by taking the quiz here.

You can also work with a trauma-informed professional to learn how to regulate your nervous system, reparent yourself, and heal the inner child who keeps you in survival mode.

You can pay attention to red flags rather than overlooking them. Get to know yourself better so you have a good idea of what you want in a relationship including your dealbreakers.

Practice self-expression and asking for what you want clearly and without apology. You might be afraid to ask because you think the person will leave, but that only creates a fantasy relationship based on false pretenses.

Inner child healing

It’s hard for your inner child to understand, but it’s better for you to know early whether a person can give you what you want in a relationship. That way, you can learn the lesson and move toward the one who is right for you.

Healing the inner child means thinking long-term. Doing the uncomfortable thing now for long-term gain, rather than surviving in the short-term and sacrificing your future.

It is deeply uncomfortable and even painful to break unhealthy relationship patterns. But the alternative is a lifetime of unfulfilling false relationships that only lead to more heartache.